Almost 2 years ago I lost one of the closest people to me: my Pop-pop. And it has taken me this long to publicly acknowledge his passing.
Writing about it is hard.
Death is hard.
It’s one of those things I don’t like to share on social media unless it can truly benefit someone else which is what I hope this does because God knows I much rather write about blog tips than death. But here we go…
A lot of you may not remember this but I used to Snapchat my Pop-pop constantly. It would usually be of him saying something adorable or singing (he was a musician in Bill Hailey & His Comets), but then when I started to really grow NAB I stopped.
I didn’t want to make him part of the “story” because I didn’t want to have to explain what happened to him when he suddenly stopped showing up.
So even though he wasn’t on social media a whole lot, our bond was stronger than any Instagram picture could show. We spent a lot of time together, and I mean a lot. My grandparents were a huge part of my life growing up.
My Grandmom passed away when I was younger so I didn’t get to know her as well as my Pop-pop, but I loved them both dearly.
My Grandmom had Parkinson’s so she wasn’t as active as Pop-pop.
And because of that he was the one who picked me up from school, took me to doctor’s appointments, cooked me dinner, played with me, etc. So after 27 years, he became my best friend.
I even went to college near his retirement home so I was able to see him a lot then too, but now, of course, I wish I went there a lot more. Though, he had his own life there and was extremely active in the community so I can rest a little easier knowing he wasn’t lonely.
And boy was he the star. He knew everyone by name (staff included) and was known as the resident yodeler. He was so cute that right after he said hi to someone he would break into his yodeling and then turn to me and say, “She really likes my yodeling” with his adorable smile. To say he was unforgettable is an understatement.
He told the corniest jokes (the apple doesn’t fall far), but you couldn’t help but laugh because of how precious he was telling them.
He was also extremely dapper – the chicest Pop-pop I’ve ever seen. He almost always wore a button down with a bolo tie and “slacks” (nice pants), unless he was doing yard work or working in his woodshop. His hair was always done, and I mean every single hair was always in place. And he always smelled good. I’ve never met a Pop-pop who wore Acqua di Gio, but he wore it well.
He also was an avid coin collector. Every kind of coin he had, it was incredible. Need a limited edition quarter from 2007? He had it.
For a long time after his passing, I prayed that I would get a sign that he was ok. Every day I would say, “Please give me a sign Pop-pop is ok” and sure enough, I’d be walking down the street and find a penny face up.
Now I find pennies all the time. At least twice a week. No matter where I am. I even found an American penny in Costa Rica!
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This is our second Father’s Day without him here but it still feels like the first.
Everyone’s experience with death is different but for me, it hasn’t really gotten easier over time. When I think about what he would have wanted I feel a little better…
I know he wouldn’t want anyone to be upset. He would always tell my mom and me not to worry about him, that he was fine. And I know it would make him upset to see us upset so I try to keep it together for his sake.
But when I think about certain phrases he says, or I see “Pop-pop” in my phone (I can’t quite delete his number yet), or I watch videos of us… it’s unbearable. Just thinking about it now as I write this my eyes are swelling.
My point isn’t to take you down memory lane and throw a pity party for myself, it’s to let you know that we all have “stuff” even if we don’t share it on social media. And this is the stuff I’m dealing with this Father’s Day and maybe you’re going through some similar stuff, too.
Every person experiences loss, setbacks, love, anger, jealousy, inadequacy, etc. even if they don’t ever show it. And that’s important to remember as you go about in your day.
You see people on Instagram who look like they’re living the life but maybe they lost their mom at a young age, or they have an illness, or they have financial issues. And you never know how they’re dealing with that “stuff” because they only share what they want us to see.
Who wants to see someone broken down on the floor crying surrounded by old pictures? That’s not pretty. It’s real, but it’s not pretty.
And unfortunately for most people, only the pretty stuff makes it to the surface. Personally, I form a deeper connection to celebrities and bloggers who show the ugly side of things. It makes me feel more… normal.
Tell me you lost a loved one, tell me you had your heart broken, tell me your struggles and I’ll tell you mine. That’s what I like and that’s why I’m choosing to share this post with you today, to let you know you’re not alone…
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When Pop-pop got sick, every time I went to visit him, I would take a picture of us holding hands. I guess because I didn’t know when I’d get to do it again… if I would get to do it again.
But luckily I was able to hold his hand longer than most, and because of that, I’m forever grateful.
If you have a similar story, please feel free to share it in the comments below. I’d love to hear it.
xx
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20 Comments
Femmy Rona
06/13/2017 at 11:45 amLosing someone is hard enough to deal and talking about it is even worse. I lost my first love in an accident ( I never admitted my love to him cuz I was way too scared of rejection and after losing him, I regretted it every single day. What If i had told him? What if? For years I longed for a hug from him which obviously wasn’t possible.
When he passed away I had newly moved to UK and he was in India. That meant I never got see him. It’s been 13 years now and i’m still choking. It took me a very long time to digest that he was gone and never coming back. I just couldn’t accept it and kept thinking that he’s not gone (guess because I didn’t attend the funeral). I didn’t realised when I was waving him goodbye to move to UK with my family, that it was gonna be the final one and that I wasn’t gonna see him again. If I knew, I would have hugged him and told him that I Loved him. I wish…..
It took me 13 years to visit his burial ground and see it face to face. This year when I went to Goa- India, I plucked the courage and went to the cemetary. My heart was racing, there was a storm inside me. I just couldn’t. I said a small prayer and tried to leave but when I was closing the cemetary door, there was something stopping me, as if he was calling me one last time and I had to run back in. They say time heals and here I am still crying and choking while typing this.
When he passed away, I stopped living completely. I had become a dead body but apart from my 2 best friends, nobody knew that i was all broken. My family did not approve of our close friendship (maybe that’s why I never expressed that I loved him) so they had no clue about my state. I wore mask during the days and at night I would put a blanket over my head and cry my heart out. I never let my family sense that I was falling apart. My whole world changed and nothing is same anymore. A lot has happened after that and I’m still here sharing my story with you which is a miracle in itself.
Sorry for the long story. But know that your pop is watching you from heaven and is always with you in your heart. Sending loads of hugs and love Brittany <3
Femmy Rona recently posted…Living With Anxiety And Its Consequences
Brittany
06/16/2017 at 10:10 amWOW. I am so sorry you had to experience that. Thank you for sharing that beautiful story and he would want you to move on so I hope you can find peace in that. Don’t let it paralyze you from doing the things you want to do and going after your dreams Rona. Use that experience to fuel you and make him proud! You’re so sweet, thank you again for your continued support and love. xo
Femmy Rona
06/20/2017 at 5:16 pmWorking on that Brittany. I’ve started to live my life again rather than just exist. Thank you
Brittany
06/22/2017 at 3:12 pmGood. As it should be. xx
Debbie
06/13/2017 at 3:49 pmSo sorry to hear about your loss *sending virtual hugs your way*
And you’re so right …Life isn’t always so perfect
Brittany
06/15/2017 at 7:55 pmThank you so much Debbie. That means so much. You’re so sweet. xx
Leslie
06/13/2017 at 4:25 pmWow! This has left me speechless with tears in my eyes. What eloquent writing full of true love, heart break, memories & hope. Memories and stories you will cherish forever. I lost my uncle (my dads only brother) when I was 14 from lung cancer. He’s one of the sole reasons I pursued my career as a nurse & the reason I live my life by the motto “don’t give up”. Those heartbreaks shape us man and it’s not always pretty.
I love the part where you talked about from a blogger/instagrammer standpoint you connect with the others who show their struggles and challenges. It’s hard because we have a platform. But it’s also beautiful because we have a platform where we can do so much more! I feel the same way above connecting with the vulnerable ones and I admire you for sharing a part of your heart.
Brittany
06/16/2017 at 10:26 amLeslie that was so sweet, I appreciate your kind words. Thank you so much for reading and sharing your own story. Sending love your way! xx
Sue
06/13/2017 at 4:39 pmBeautiful tribute to your pop-pop
😢
Brittany
06/14/2017 at 3:21 pmThank you so much mama! xo
Genevieve Cordery
06/14/2017 at 11:00 amI lost my Grampa in October of last year, so the wound is still fresh. He lived in CA, while I grew up in NC, so we never had the chance to get as close as you and your grandfather were. I wish that I had that. Even though we weren’t super close, I always enjoyed spending time with him when we visited. It started getting hard when we realized he had undiagnosed dementia. He would get violently angry and confused. Once, he forgot who I was and kept asking if I was a friend of my dad’s from college. When he was finally diagnosed, my Aunt was diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer around the same time. Because my Grandma was alone she had no choice but to put him in a home and my grampa died three days later. My aunt followed a week after that. It’s hard when you don’t even get the chance to say goodbye, but I know they are watching over me every day, and it helps to think that they are in a better place and they’re no longer in pain.
Great post, Britt! It’s definitely reassuring to know that there are people out there going through something similar.
Genevieve | http://www.blueaugustine.com
Brittany
06/16/2017 at 1:38 pmWow, I’m so sorry G. I feel like a lot of grandparents go through dementia or Alzheimer’s which is so unfortunate. Without memory, you don’t have much. At least his passing was quick. Some grandparents suffer for years and that’s no way to live. Either way, death sucks… it’s never easier no matter the circumstances. Thank you for sharing your beautiful story. xx
Joan Greer
06/14/2017 at 3:01 pmIt doesn’t get any easier, but we have our memories. Your writing is quite good. As I was told countless times, “you should write a book”. Dad told me that so often. My closest coworkers said the same. Something to consider, my dearest niece. You can write an excellent book if you choose to.
Brittany
06/14/2017 at 3:21 pmYou’re so sweet. Love you Aunt Joanie! A book is definitely in my future. xoxo
Nikki
06/17/2017 at 1:42 pmThank you for sharing so much with us. I lost my grandparents almost 8 years ago and it still hurts every single day. much love to you and your fam ♥
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Brittany
06/21/2017 at 5:36 pmAw thank you Nikki… you too. I’m so sorry for your loss. xx
Marcel Patton
06/21/2020 at 7:44 pmI am sorry for your loss… your story helped me today, this is the 3rd Father’s day without my grandfather, he was the closest thing i had to a Dad growing up. I too haven’t deleted his # yet, i can’t bring myself to do it, as of now. I think about him everyday and i don’t even like going to his grave, it reminds me that it’s real, that he’s gone… i have dreamed about him a few times and wonder, is he visiting me or is it really just a dream, i guess i’ll ask him when we meet again, forever… You too are not alone, i share your pain, stay strong.
Brittany
02/07/2022 at 1:39 pmAw I’m so sorry to hear that Marcel. You’re very strong and grief takes on so many different forms so keep his number as long as you want. Thank you for opening up to me. Sending you so much love and healing energy! xx
V
06/20/2021 at 5:22 pmThank you for sharing your story. It helped me not feel as alone right now. You see, I just lost my Grandpa a few days ago. To make matter worse, I didn’t even get to say goodbye. My father & his brothers decided to not tell him, or the rest of the family, that he had cancer…for years. So all the time I could have gone to see him in France is gone now. My father also decided that I couldn’t go there, see him via FaceTime, or speak to him over the phone after he went into the retirement home when he broke his shoulder. The retirement home is also where he passed away. He was only there for a few weeks. That is when my father finally decided to tell me that not only did my Grandpa have cancer, but that it had metastasized. Apparently the cancer had spread throughout his entire body. Up until that point, to my knowledge, there was nothing wrong with my Grandpa, except for the basic age related aches & pains of getting older. Everyone I had spoken to in the family had always assured me that my Grandpa was being “well taken care of” and that he had doctors & nurses coming to his house as needed, & that he had people come over daily to take care of different household chores, which also kept him company. He also had two sons, & two grandsons (my uncles & cousins), who were doctors, so why who was I to think any different?…I guess I just can’t get over the fact that no one told me that he had cancer for years, and that my father forbade me & prevented me from even speaking to him before he passed. All of that time that I could have spent with him, caring for him (I used to be in nursing), making new memories with him. Plus everyone in the family knew how close we were, so it just doesn’t make sense. I know that they were trying to keep it secret from him, but still, it’s not like I was going to “blow the secret”. What hurts the most though, is that my Grandpa was probably hurt that he didn’t hear from me in his last days, & probably wondered why. He & I always talked, or messaged at the very least, & all of a sudden he’s not hearing from me, & when he’s at his worst. That had to break his heart, which destroys my heart. I didn’t even know the name of the place where he was staying. My father wouldn’t tell me. And now with it being Father’s Day too, I’m just devastated. I would call my Grandpa every Father’s Day, especially since he was more of a father to me than my own father, & every time he would say, “it’s Father’s Day”, meaning that it’s not Grandfather’s Day, lol. Then I would explain to him that he’s still A father & that since he’s my Grandpa, I can call him for Father’s Day. I loved him, and still love him, so much. I’ll cherish our memories until the day I pass away. I miss him. Happy Father’s Day Grandpa. ❤️🙏🏻
Brittany
07/16/2021 at 12:38 pmThank so much for sharing your story with me. I’m so sorry for your loss. It gets easier but the pain is always there. Sending you so much love during this time! xx